Dear Company Recruiter,

I am confident that I would make a highly-qualified addition to your dynamic team because I have spent the last 29 years being a foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, judgmental shrew who frequently makes fun of strangers and anyone else I deem unlikely or unable to retaliate.  I also can’t be left alone with cookies that aren’t mine, I talk loudly on my cell phone in public and I giggle when I see people trip.  I believe that all of these qualities prove that I am the unparalleled choice for carrying on your company’s proud name.

Oh, and something about family planning or reproductive health.  Or whatever.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs n’ kisses,

Erin