A couple of days ago, Justin and I headed back to Big Bloomers Flower Farm, home of the giant green Adirondack chair, to pick up a few plants.  We decided to go easy this year, since my lack of a regular paycheck would make it difficult to rebuild last year’s potager garden (using termite resistant wood!).

So instead of all that, we decided to try berries this year:  strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries.

It’s gonna be a summer of smoothies if all goes well.

As I was meandering through a maze of garden statues at Big Bloomers, I was fascinated by all of the crap people actually buy just to stick in their lawns.

(No offense if you are one of these people, although I’m not sure how what I just said could not offend you, but the fact that I just said, “no offense” should automatically retract any offense that may have been delivered.  Right?)

Okay, so they’re not all bad.

Like these guys.  They’re kinda cute, right?  Kinda portly and cheerful and okay they do make me smile just a little and they’re so adorable I just wanna squeeze the bacon right out of them.

Then eat it.

Okay, maybe they look a little scared – not cheerful.

But what can I say?  I like bacon.

And okay, I can see where something like this might look kind of cool, if… you know… you live in the desert and want people to think large animals just keel over and die in your lawn and you leave them to rot until there’s nothing left but bone – a scattering of skeletal remains, warning all of the cute little bunnies and squirrels that they best not trespass on your yard, bitches, because you. could. be. next.

And giant cowboy boots?  Really?

I hate to break it to you, Big Bloomers, but North Carolina is not the last frontier.

Now this one could be kind of fun.  I could see myself buying this if I had kids and hiding it in a pile of leaves and then laughing hysterically when it scares the crap out of them.

What?  I already told you – I’d be a great mom.

And what’s this?

OMG, I’ve always wanted a rooster dressed like Charles Dickens posing like he’s giving the famous soliloquy in Hamlet while balancing a basket on his comb in which birds can bathe!

This last one probably had me the most confused, I’ll admit.

I mean… wtf happened to its head?

Yeah… I’m going to put that in my yard because that’s realistic.

Oh… wait.

I took this picture yesterday and posted it on the Domestiphobia Facebook page.

It’s a dogtail, get it?

You know, as opposed to a cattail.  You know, a cattail that grows by the lake.  Except this is a dogtail by the lake.

Whatever.

I wonder if Big Bloomers still has that statue…