Don’t Ask Questions… It’s Art
A couple of days ago, Justin and I headed back to Big Bloomers Flower Farm, home of the giant green Adirondack chair, to pick up a few plants. We decided to go easy this year, since my lack of a regular paycheck would make it difficult to rebuild last year’s potager garden (using termite resistant wood!).
So instead of all that, we decided to try berries this year: strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries.
It’s gonna be a summer of smoothies if all goes well.
As I was meandering through a maze of garden statues at Big Bloomers, I was fascinated by all of the crap people actually buy just to stick in their lawns.
(No offense if you are one of these people, although I’m not sure how what I just said could not offend you, but the fact that I just said, “no offense” should automatically retract any offense that may have been delivered. Right?)
Okay, so they’re not all bad.
Like these guys. They’re kinda cute, right? Kinda portly and cheerful and okay they do make me smile just a little and they’re so adorable I just wanna squeeze the bacon right out of them.
Then eat it.
Okay, maybe they look a little scared – not cheerful.
But what can I say? I like bacon.
And okay, I can see where something like this might look kind of cool, if… you know… you live in the desert and want people to think large animals just keel over and die in your lawn and you leave them to rot until there’s nothing left but bone – a scattering of skeletal remains, warning all of the cute little bunnies and squirrels that they best not trespass on your yard, bitches, because you. could. be. next.
And giant cowboy boots? Really?
I hate to break it to you, Big Bloomers, but North Carolina is not the last frontier.
Now this one could be kind of fun. I could see myself buying this if I had kids and hiding it in a pile of leaves and then laughing hysterically when it scares the crap out of them.
What? I already told you – I’d be a great mom.
And what’s this?
OMG, I’ve always wanted a rooster dressed like Charles Dickens posing like he’s giving the famous soliloquy in Hamlet while balancing a basket on his comb in which birds can bathe!
This last one probably had me the most confused, I’ll admit.
I mean… wtf happened to its head?
Yeah… I’m going to put that in my yard because that’s realistic.
I took this picture yesterday and posted it on the Domestiphobia Facebook page.
It’s a dogtail, get it?
You know, as opposed to a cattail. You know, a cattail that grows by the lake. Except this is a dogtail by the lake.
I wonder if Big Bloomers still has that statue…
Thanks for calling me out, because apparently I’m that mom. I have that crocodile waiting in the mulch in my front garden just at the sweeping curve of the front steps that make their way to my door.
Hate to burst your bubble, but there’ll be no smoothies for you this summer unless you add a lot of sugar. Berries can’t be harvested til the bushes are a few years old. They won’t sweeten up til the 3rd year. On the bright side you can add them to some tequila in a blender, and have a kicking tart margarita.
Hahaha I already knew that about you. ;) The important question is, is your croc green? Or stone? Because the green makes all the difference in the scare factor…
No smoothies??!? Dammit… I knew there had to be a catch. If we actually manage to get them to grow, we’ll do the margarita thing. I mean… doesn’t everyone add tequila to their smoothies? ;)
You might also want to put a fence around it so that what berries do grow don’t get eaten by deer or stray aligators…
Sooo… I can’t put them inside the fence that’s already there because the dogs will get them, so now I have to build a separate special berry fence? I had no idea these things were so high maintenance. Someone shoot me…
Good one, Katie!! We tend to collect frogs around our pond, real and fake.
I’m glad someone set you straight about the harvest thing. But don’t let that deter you. You’ll have your own stuff before you know it! You know, time flies. Funny, Rick had that same idea about blueberries LAST year. Didn’t turn out so well for him. Do invest in a fence or something to keep the critters out of your stuff. Very good advice.
And I agree, tequila, vodka, rum, whatever you’ve got as an additive works great! Happy gardening!!
But that’s the problem! I really hope we’re not still here 3 years from now. ;)
So what do we do? Pick the berries and throw them out? Do we “prune” the plants at all? (I don’t even know what that means – I just know it sounds “gardeny.”) They’re all in containers. Do we bring those inside during the winter, or do they do that thing where they die and come back?
Why is gardening so confusing?!
I don’t even have a garden (yet)…but I know I will have at least 1 gnome.
I think you should have 2 so they don’t get lonely.
I love running through my parents’ neighborhood because you see weird lawn shit all. the. time. Not one run goes by without me thinking, “I can’t believe someone actually spent money on THAT…”
Ha, me too! Although I think I secretly love garden art and am jealous I don’t have the money to do it myself. In fact, I’d love to have a garden with ALL statues and very few plants since it’d be SO much easier for me to maintain. ;)
Yeah, I feel like I’d be better at growing statues than plants too…though a yard full of statues would make me feel like a crazy cat lady (but with statues)…or a modern version of Medusa.
Too funny. The alligator (in realistic green) was the one I could appreciate, because it’s at least comically clever. The rooster, though, is particularly dreadful.
When we moved to this property to build, it was absolutely inhabited by gnomes and fake animals…All plastic. There’s something a little more upscale about the concrete ones. :-)
Yeah, I actually kind of like the gator myself. But the rooster? That rooster scares me.
Ack! I think I would’ve had nightmares about plastic gnomes!
They didn’t stay long after we moved in. –We happened to know someone at the time who collected gnomes with which to ‘surprise’ certain people she knew. I fear we contributed to evil deeds, but she was happy to have them and we were happy to see them move on.
I vote for the alligator. you could also put a pair of shoes near it s mouth and some sort of remote controls sound system near by you could activate when you saw Someone gets near it blast a alligator type roar …. …..
Hah, now that might be overdoing it. ;)
[…] falling apart, but I wanted to use those leftover bricks and some cheap-o flowers we bought on our recent trip to Big Bloomers to finish the whole thing […]