Writing Under the Influence
Three weeks ago, I wrote a rambling list of thoughts while shivering on the couch in a sweaty, disoriented haze during The Most Heinous Sinus Infection Ever Recorded in the History of the World, Period.
Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating, but not–if I may utilize my stellar Spanish skills–by mucho.
Anyway, after the sinus infection spent the weekend torturing me and then pushed me out the back of its tinted-window van Monday morning, I was so positively elated to be over the ordeal, I forgot all about the list.
And since I’ve had a major case of writers’ block this past week (hence the lack of posts), I figure a half-coherent list of musings is still better than anything else I could come up with right now.
So, bon appetit!
1. Why is it always that the song in which I only know five words is the one song I have stuck in my head all day long? This constant repetition of the first two lines of “La Cucaracha” is greatly diminishing my quality of life.
2. At what point are you too old to have ice cream cake on your birthday? Because I would like to be euthanized before that age.
3. Is there a more awkward situation than standing on the outskirts of a group photo and not knowing whether you’re in the frame or not? Seriously, do you squeeze in and smile, stand where you are and awkwardly pose, or just get the hell out of there?
4. I will consider myself at the pinnacle of social self-mastery when I am finally able to refrain from the knee-jerk response “You too!” when waiters tell me to enjoy my meal.
5. Why do I always panic and suddenly forget my phone number when someone asks for it?
6. I’m one of those people who unintentionally creates my own bastardized language by combining words that are similar in meaning. Like, one time, an old boss once asked me to do something and instead of saying “No problem” or “You’re welcome”, I responded with “No, your problem.”
7. If I drop my keys on the ground, I’m more willing to believe it’s because they are spiteful things hellbent on making me look stupid in public than the fact that I might just be clumsy.
8. Carrots are a vegetable that nobody really has a strong opinion on, but everyone has an opinion on carrot cake.
Fun History Fact: 30 percent of our nation’s wars has been caused by conflicting views on carrot cake.
9. Does the sound of a slide whistle automatically bring perverted images to everyone else’s mind too, or is it just me?
10. The following things are unforgivably creepy to me: porcelain doll collections, velvet paintings of sad-eyed clowns or children, mannequins with faces and/or nipples, and ventriloquist dummies. If I am over at your house and I see any of the above, I will immediately assume you lured me here to make a coat out of my skin.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
11. Whenever I don’t want to clean a dish, I’ll leave it in the sink. Later, if I come back around and it’s still in there, I’ll get mad that someone didn’t wash it. What, do I have to do everything around here?
12. To me, there are very few life situations for which “Woot woot!”or “Dang.” is not an acceptable response.
13. One of the questions I always ask myself is, if I had a twin who talked and acted exactly like me, how long would it take before I wanted her dead?
14. It’s amazing how easily anyone can give off a completely psychotic vibe. If you don’t believe me, next time you’re out walking in public, start swinging your arms in unison with your legs and see if people don’t look at you like you just stepped off the mothership.
(Disclaimer: If any or all of the above statements made absolutely no sense to you, let’s just blame it on the fact that I was heavily medicated at the time and never speak of this post again. Deal?)