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Dear Christmas: Screw You.

Dear Christmas,

Stop being a massive asshat to Thanksgiving just because it’s a laidback holiday.

You and I both know that Thanksgiving doesn’t ask for much.  It doesn’t want to make a big scene or bum anybody out.  It’s content to just hang out at your house all day with you and your folks, watching football and eating all your food.

I suspect Thanksgiving smokes a lot of pot.

I mean, c’mon, it has to, right?

But even though Thanksgiving’s too mellow to stick up for itself I, for one, can no longer sit idly by and watch you shove it around and treat it like one of those minor holidays no one really cares about.  Thanksgiving is not Flag Day, dammit.

You do this every year:  Steamrolling over one of the chillest, most unpretentious holidays so that you can barf out festive lights and candy canes and holly wreaths and manger displays (and seriously, how is it not illegal for people to have those gaudy-ass inflatable snow globes out on their lawn already??) all over every store window display and front lawn in America.

Look, I’ll get into your stupid spirit in due time.  I’ll tolerate extended jazz versions of “The Little Drummer Boy” playing on the Muzak system of every business establishment I enter.  I’ll watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Frosty the Snowman” and “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” for the twenty-ninth year in a row like it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it.  I’ll listen to the incessant bell-ringing of that Salvation Army Santa squatting on every street corner–and I probably won’t even flip my sh*t and smack a bitch.  I’ll wait my turn to spend a half-hour elbowing strangers in line so that I can spend all my money on gifts that I’m pretty sure no one’s going to like anyway.  I’ll send out Christmas cards.  Ok, that’s a lie, but I’ll feel guilty about not sending out Christmas cards.

What I’m saying is, I’ll play your stupid reindeer games.  But I am not going to start playing them in early November and you know what?  I sure as shizzle wasn’t going to start in friggin’ October.


You are still over a month away.  That is plenty of time to stress everyone out and make the populace miserable in proper yuletide fashion.

So here’s the deal I’m going to make you, Christmas:  You hold off on cramming yourself down everyone’s throats until–I don’t know, say, December?–and I hold off cramming my foot up your ass in a fit of festive rage.


In closing, leave us to enjoy Thanksgiving in peace.  Also, leave Halloween alone.

I’m watching you, biznatch.

Love Fiery burning hatred,





LMFAO!! :)


I have no words, except “DAMN STRAIGHT!”, and “TESTIFY!”.

the other Mrs. Barstow

I can send you one of those hats, saw them last week at the Christmas Tree Shop!! They have four versions!! Pick one! It’s yours! You can celebrate Thanksgiving in style! I’ll send one for the boy, too!


Oooh! I totally want one! :)


I’m with you on this one, Erin! I was horrified to find Christmas decorations already on the streetlights in Panama City, Florida…a hop and a jump from some of the most beautiful beaches in the US. Ugh! I hate this early crap!


Amen, lady! Hope you enjoyed your time in the States!


I think someone has been falsely blamed! Christmas …… its not Christmas’s fault its the commercial marketing reps who fault !

Erin your might fury should be aimed at them in defense of Christmas its as much of a victim as minimum wages workers who are forced to work the long hours and rabid Christmas time crowd that are whipped into a frenzy by the same market ing reps looking to squeeze as much monetariy commerical value as they can out of the season .

Nay we need not curse christmas but form a mob agaist the evil marketing reps out to exploite it!.


You have a good point. Plus, you know I’m always up for a good mob. Let the devastation begin!


I’ve been thinking this for a few years now. This year seems especially bad though. COME ON, JUST HOLD OFF UNTIL NOVEMBER 26!

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