Just a Typical Wednesday Morning…
6:45-8:30: Commute is especially heinous due to a lane closure. Creep… ever… so… slowly… past three tanned, smiling construction workers who appear to be joking with one other. Briefly consider pulling over to the shoulder, kicking off my heels as I leap over the concrete barricade, and slapping on a hard hat.
8:30: Arrive at work. Le sigh.
8:31-8:40: Start day with a cup of coffee and Facebook. Hello, notifications!
8:40-8:45: Officially all caught up on Facebook. Time for second cup of coffee.
8:45-8:48: Eat banana after carefully inspecting suspicious-looking bruised spot on it for several minutes. Throw offending part in the trash.
8:48-10:00: Surf the Interwebs while intermittently texting Katie. Google “Three’s Company TV theme lyrics”. Ahhh, so that’s what they’re singing.
10:00-10:02: Third cup of coffee. Starting to sweat profusely.
10:02-10:03: Am asked to do actual work. How rude is that?
10:03-10:20: Do work. Grudgingly.
10:20-10:22: Man, is it lunchtime yet? Start rummaging through my lunch bag. Eat carrot sticks. So not satisfying.
10:22-10:24: Google “Maryland state song” out of curiosity. Wow, there’s about 20 stanzas and I don’t understand any of it except “Maryland! My Maryland!”. Come up with a pretty rockin’ tune for the lyrics. If the real song isn’t close to my version, it should be.
10:24-10:25: Check Facebook. Comment on a few posts. “Like” a few others. Yadda, yadda.
10:25-10:26: Am asked to “jazz up” a technical article about health care program management.
10:26-10:32: Stare blankly at open Word document. They can’t be serious. There is literally no amount of sorcery or dark witchcraft I could conjure up that would make this topic any less boring.
10:32:10: Start to typ—
10:32:12: Lord a-mercy! Bathroom break. NOW.
10:38: Return from bathroom. Man, I really had to pee after three cups of coffee. Kinda sneaks up on you all of a sudden, doesn’t it?
10:38-10:39: Have awkward stand-off in lobby when office door doesn’t open while sour-faced receptionist watches. You’re quite the jokester, defunct key fob.
10:39-10:40: Google “how electronic key fobs work” out of curiosity. Turns out I wasn’t really all that interested in knowing.
10:40-10:42: Now is it lunchtime? Again rummage through my lunch bag. Break down and buy bag of pretzels out of the vending machine, which ends up breaking down to roughly 75 cents per pretzel.
10:42-10:43: Pass by coffee machine and consider fourth cup, then decide against it. Already have visible sweat rings around my armpits. Best not to tempt fate.
10:43: Notice that my right shoe squeaks audibly. Get embarrassed and try to hobble awkwardly without squeaking back to my cubicle. Mission: Failed.
10:43-10:47: Overhear someone quietly say my name but can’t hear the context. Wait, what are they saying? Was it good? Bad? Ponder that obsessively for a while.
10:47: Hear the rustlings of a candy wrapper opening. Sounds like chocolate. Wait, a Hershey’s Kiss, maybe? Are there more where it came from? And if so, where? For the love o’ God, WHERE??
10:47-10:49: Take a victory lap around the office out of sheer boredom and somehow end up back at bathroom. Oops, someone’s in a stall. Hang around uncomfortably while acting like I’m checking my makeup and then hightail it out of there as soon as an appropriate amount of time has passed. I’m not a communal bathroom dweller.
10:49-10:50: Check Facebook. Then e-mail. Then Facebook again. Seriously, where is everyone??
10:50-11:00: Break down and eat my lunch — but quietly, so that no one else can overhear, and hence judge, me.
11:00: Decide to post about my morning on Domestiphobia.net.