I’m Only Mean to the People I Love
After much careful consideration and over 4 weeks home from Costa Rica, I’ve come to the conclusion that my friends must hate me.
I mean, why else would they be constantly bombarding me with environmental job listings, certification programs, grad school opportunities, and questions like, “What are you going to do now?” and, “Soo… what did you do today?” (always said with a sly grin because they know the answer is not, “Oh, I had a productive day at the office.”)
And really, there is nothing more humiliating than having to answer, “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing next – I’m still weighing my options” and, “Oh, you know… laundry, cleaned the house, cooked dinner…” when the truth is that I have no frickin’ clue what I’m going to do with my life and I spend my days trying to figure it out, writing, researching, weighing my options, and why are all of you rushing me??!!
Okay, in reality I know my friends are actually being helpful, giving me that nudge they know I need because they’re my friends and I deliberately surround myself with brutally honest people because I can’t stand it when anyone’s like, “Oh, you have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do!” because we all know I don’t have all the time in the world because I’m 28, which isn’t old, but it’s kind of about that time where I should be figuring my sh*t out, you know? So I know they’re on my side here. They don’t want to see me fail.
Which is comforting.
And also a lot of pressure. I mean, I created this opportunity for myself – this blank slate – and so far it’s been like I’m swimming against a rip tide of “shoulds” and “have tos” in search of the ever evasive “wants.”
Making the transition from a fairly successful, decent-paying job that fit my educational background to… whatever I end up doing, is easier said than done. But let’s face it – now, when I no longer have that bi-weekly paycheck coming in – is not the time to freeze. It’s time to press on, put myself out there, and avoid the need I feel to apologize for my self-invoked economic status every time it seems like someone looks at my apparent flounder with pity.
Because it’s important to remember that this isn’t flounder. This is… something else. It’s like my dad always told me – I might appear to be procrastinating to everyone else, but on the inside I’m constantly formulating plans, playing out hypotheticals, moving the chess pieces around. It’s important to think before I act, because we’ve all seen how hard it is to jump the tracks once we get going in a certain direction. I don’t want to make a habit out of this. I want the next move to be right.
So bear with me, friends. I haven’t fallen completely off the edge. I just need to dangle here a bit before I take the plunge back into reality. I’m lucky I can do that.
And in the meantime, I sure am glad I have you.