The Only Bullshitter I Can Bullshit is Apparently MySelf.
Well, it’s another Last of the Mondays for me.
I can’t believe it’s been over 2 years since I last quit my job to venture out into the world of self-employment.
It’s embarrassing to admit now, but I had high hopes. I had high, high hopes that all I needed to do was book a 2-month trip to Costa Rica, be my lovely, endearing self, and somehow — hopefully through this blog — the opportunity to become a travel writer would present itself.
What I learned the hard way is that self-employment — chasing the dream — takes actual work.
In fact, it’s so easy to sensationalize the idea of working for one’s self because of a single, obvious factor: YOU HAVE NO BOSS.
Turns out, though, that’s not true.
Not even a little.
Of course, YOU are your own boss.
And that’s fantastic, right?
Well, unfortunately, disciplining yourself is a hell of a lot harder than getting an earful from The Man, because all you really want to do is take pity on yourself and be patient and understanding and all of those things you got mad at your boss for not being when you were having a rough day. But then, your Self learns. It learns that you’re a crappy boss and a crappier disciplinarian and soon every day turns into a rough day, and before you know it, you’re unshowered Self is crashing your sofa at 2:00 in the afternoon eating Häagen-Dazs from the carton and singing along to My Fair Lady and, aside from feeling sorry for herself because she’s a big fat failure of a Self-starter, she’s really having a grand old time.
So this time, I’m prepared.
I’m prepared to be a badass boss because I’ve learned that the Self-deprecation that comes with mediocrity is so not worth an afternoon of ice cream and Audrey Hepburn.
There are the other bosses. The other bosses are the people who, as an independent contractor, will be hiring me to work for them. With the other bosses will come a whole new slew of demands and expectations, and the only choice for me will be to meet them, head-on, because if I don’t, the only person who can take the blame is ME.
And I’m tired of letting people down.
Most of all, me.
This time, I’m doing myself a favor, packing a duffel bag full of all of the bullshit I fed myself 2 years ago, and sending it into space with the power of a hundred thousand helium balloons.
(You’ve heard there’s a helium shortage, right? Yeah. That was me.)
This is my last Monday. And hopefully, my last of my last Mondays. This is my last week of earning a paycheck just because I show up.
The last time I pack my lunch in tupperware.
The last time I roll my eyes at a request from my boss because my new boss, I hear, is unriddled by bullshit and in no mood to play.
This is life, after all, and we can coast on through making excuses for getting caught in the momentum of mediocrity, or we can really try.
The only thing ever really holding us back is the paralyzing fear of failure. That thing that makes us start and quit and start and quit again.
But. I’ve finally realized.
I would rather fail — I would rather fail so inconsolably and publicly hard — than continue to be the girl who just quits all the time. The girl who’s addicted to the bottom of the ladder. The girl who says soon — mañana — I will do what I know I was born to do.
Because. With 2 years of tomorrows behind me, I’m no closer to reaching my goals. Failure, at this point, would be a relief next to not even trying. The limbo I’ve been living. The bullshit that’s made me metaphorically fat and lazy and full of excuses.
I don’t want to be that person.
I stop today.
It is, after all, the Last of the Last of the Mondays.