Okay, it’s that time.
You know what time. Resolution time.
This year I’m keeping it simple. None of this “I’m going to read 587 best-selling novels, earn a 43% pay increase (which in my case wouldn’t actually be that difficult at this point), and have a body like Jillian Michaels by the end of the year” bullshit.
Nope. My resolution is to make myself worthy of mention in my mom’s 2011 holiday letter. And not just a quickie single-line nod to the fact that I’m still alive, either. I want an actual, unskimmable, entire blurb – or maybe even a paragraph – the kind filled with an unmistakable tone of pride on the part of the writer – about a positive aspect of my life.
This is not because I want notoriety or depend on my mom’s holiday letter for validation about my life. I want to do something for me. I want to not feel like I’m failing. And okay, maybe I do need to see it in the letter for validation.
The proof of the fact that I need to pick things up came when I realized the only mention of me in my mother’s 946-word holiday
letter email – the one she sent to all of her friends and family – is right after she announced that one of her (practically) step daughters is pregnant and it’s the best thing ever except that it’s not because my mom and Ed are not actually married and I guess that means she won’t “officially” be a grandmother because in order for that to happen, one of the children she bore from her womb and whose butts she lovingly wiped and whose noses she lovingly sucked free of boogers with one of those booger-sucking devices would need to have his or her own child and lovingly wipe its butt and suck boogers from its nose. In other words, I would need to get pregnant. Or my unmarried (but totally awesome) little sister. Or my unmarried (but totally awesome) older brother. Except he’s gay so there’s even less chance that he’ll get pregnant. AND he’s a guy so actually there’s zero chance he’ll get pregnant.
So what was I saying?
Oh yeah. I know that I need to work on accomplishing something because the only mention of me in my mom’s letter is how she’s keeping her fingers crossed that I’ll give her a grandbaby one day, but her guess is that Ed’s other daughter will be next. That’s it. And it’s justified because I really did not do anything worth mentioning in 2010. Except the Costa Rica thing. That was kinda cool.
And for the record, Ed’s daughters really are great. They’re really nice people and they do things like… you know… visit Ed and my mom. So they have that going. And they want to have babies.
I suppose I wouldn’t have to actually get pregnant to earn a more notable mention in the holiday letter. Which is good, because I have no intention of doing that any time soon. Finding a job – especially a job that means something – would probably do the trick. Or maybe if I make an important discovery or save someone’s life or become the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest wearing nothing but my Uggs and a smile.
And now enough of this emo crap, am I right? This will be a year of happiness.
So while I’ll admit that I might have lost some of my earlier resolve over the holidays by distracting myself with red wine and peanut butter balls, rest assured that I’m back in the game. The résumé update starts January 1st. Possibly the 2nd if I’m too hung over on the 1st. But you get the idea.
What are some of your New Year resolutions?
*Disclaimer: I am NOT blaming my mom for my lack of mention in her letter about HER year! I’m simply using it as a testament to the fact that this year I need to do… more.